Day 31, Monday April 13, 2020: An Essential Trip to Walmart
A couple of days ago, Steve’s phone rang. It was RJ, a friend he’d met several years back while looking at guitars in Indiana. Since RJ lives a state away, we’ve met up with him and his wife Gail on occasion over the years. Steve took a memorable road-trip with RJ to Nashville, where he found his favorite guitar, a custom-made Solomon archtop.
The recent call between RJ and Steve went something like this:
Steve, answering the ringing phone: Hello
RJ: Hello…who is this?
Steve: RJ, it’s Steve. You just called me.
RJ: Oh Steve! Hi! I must have dialed you by accident. I was calling people I care about.
That’s RJ. A laugh a minute. In any case, RJ shared one of his recent email blogs with us, and is graciously allowing me to share with you. Enjoy.
An Essential Trip to Walmart
By, RJ Monroe
My wife and I decided to make an essential trip to Walmart this morning. I emphasize the word essential mind you. This was not a trip to the bad side of town to score black market, Chinese test kits. No sir! That would be un-American. We went to Walmart for groceries. Believe me.
To eliminate a bit of the stress and anxiety we have come up with a fun little game. In this game we keep track of how many breaches to the social distancing protocols that we have during the shopping experience. Each occurrence is assigned a score value and the scores are adjusted for the category of vulnerability that an individual falls into. It goes something like this. Anytime you pass inside of 6 feet of another shopper it is a “near miss” with a score of 3 points. I am over 65 with a vulnerability multiplier of 2. Take the score of 3, multiply by 2 = 6 points. There are different scores assigned for the severity of the breach. Get the picture?
As I write I can’t help but think about my younger days when we would hop in my friend’s convertible to cruise Main Street and “pick up chicks”. Now, at 72 I’m pushing a shopping cart down the grocery isle to “pick up pathogens”. The difference being that pathogens are substantially less lethal. However, I digress. Let’s get back to the game.
Similar to golf each player is on the honor system, keeps their own score card, and the lowest score wins. Are there any questions boys and girls? Ok …. Grab your shopping carts and let’s get ‘er done!
Of all places the first incursion I experienced was in the toilet paper isle. I must confess that I had my guard down, I became complacent! The shelves were completely empty! Who would have thought there would be another person wondering aimlessly down an isle with no merchandise? But bingo! This was scored as a near miss. Three points adjusted for my age for a total of 6. Given that par for this isle is zero I was off to a bad start.
My second incursion came at the deli counter. I was bending down to pick up a pillow pack of Margarita thick sliced pepperoni. Without warning I could feel it. It was an odd gravitational sense. The hair on my arm stood up with small electrical discharges as we made direct contact. When I looked up I swear I saw this grotesque figure with welts and an iridescent orange glow. I have no idea what color the Coronavirus is. Perhaps someone out there knows. However, on second glance, to my relief, it was just an ordinary guy buying some Oscar Mayer hard salami. It may have been a harmless encounter but it was scored as a “midair collision”. Eight points multiplied by 2. Sixteen points added to my scorecard plus the 6 from the near miss for a total of 22.
Although there is no official score for this I did answer an age old mystery. “If there is no such thing as a stupid question then what kind of questions do stupid people ask?” I went to the pharmacy department and asked, “Where can I can find face masks?”. The lady looked at me like I had just got off the rickshaw from Wuhan. WRONG! Proceed directly to jail. Do not pass go.
I’m thinking of calling the game Pandemic Pinball. The visual being people randomly colliding with objects and other people while going about their business. I’m not sure. What do you think?
